Out Of The Shadows - extract

It was a little after eight-thirty when Susannah walked into the candlelit restaurant on Northcote Road, where a sonorous tenor was adding his own special flavour to the Italian surroundings and piquant aroma of peperoncino and roasting garlic.  The place was almost full already, and noisy, but in a convivial sort of way that made it seem as inviting as the Maitre d’ who materialised to take her coat. 
When she turned round again, her heart gave an unsteady beat and her cheeks flooded with heat as she spotted someone winding his way through the tables with his eyes fixed on hers.  She felt suddenly breathless and shaky, and then such a surge of happiness that she started to laugh.  This man might look older and more distinguished than the Alan she’d known, but the mop of fair hair and roguish twinkle in his warm brown eyes had hardly changed at all. 
‘Susannah,’ he said, his tone weighted with affection and humour.  ‘You’re even more beautiful than I remembered, and I felt sure that wouldn’t be possible.’
‘Then let’s hope they don’t turn up the lights,’ she said, only half-jokingly.  ‘You’re looking extremely good yourself.’
His eyebrows rose comically, and taking her hand he kissed her gently on the cheek, before gesturing for her to go ahead of him to the table. 
‘Will you have a glass of champagne?’ he offered, as the Maitre d’ seated them.  ‘A kir royale, maybe?’
‘That sounds wonderful, thank you.’  She put her purse on the table and realised she felt slightly intoxicated already. 
After giving the order, he turned back to her and his eyes were gently mocking as he said, ‘I’m tempted to pinch myself, just to make sure this isn’t a dream.’
‘I have to admit, it’s feeling a bit strange to me too,’ she agreed.  ‘It’s like I know you, but I don’t, or not who you are now.  You seem so... so...’
‘Old?’ he suggested.  ‘Grey?  Grown up?’
 Laughing she said, ‘Actually yes, grown up, but assured and...  relaxed, I suppose.’
‘You wouldn’t have said that if you’d seen me an hour ago,’ he promised wryly.
With a smile, she pulled herself back from the easy flirtation they were sinking into and said, ‘Before we go any further, there’s a confession I have to make.  I hope you’re not going to be angry, but it wasn’t me who went onto the Friends Reunited website trying to find you, it was my daughter, Neve, meddling in my life as she usually does.’  She was gazing directly into his eyes.  ‘In this instance, I’m glad she did,’ she told him shyly.
He was frowning curiously.  ‘Then I should probably say that I am too, but let me get this straight.  She pretended to be you?  Does that mean all of your emails were written by her?’
Susannah pulled a face.  ‘I’m afraid so  - and Patsy, it has to be said.’
Surprised, but clearly amused, he said, ‘I might have known Patsy Lovell would feature in there somewhere.  So you two are still friends?  You don’t know how good it feels to hear that.  How is she these days?  No, let that wait, carry on telling me about Neve.  I know from the emails you’re supposed to have sent that she’s almost fourteen, not much younger than you were when we first met.  Is she like you?’
Susannah nodded as she dug into her bag.  ‘Quite a bit,’ she said, passing the photograph over. 
His eyes softened as he gazed down at the picture.  ‘This could almost be you,’ he told her.   ‘She’s lovely.’
Blushing with pride Susannah took the photograph back and put it away again.
‘So can I take it you’re now familiar with what you’re supposed to have said in the emails?’ he asked, his eyes steeped in humour.
With a laugh she said, ‘I am, but believe me, I’d never have told you half as much as they decided to, especially when it came to Duncan being sent to prison and how hard I’ve been finding it since.  I wanted to brain them when I read all that.’
His eyes were still laughing, but his tone was serious as he said, ‘I was really sorry to hear that things haven’t been going so well for you.  Actually, I was surprised too, because the last I heard you were getting quite a bit of acting work, but I guess you’ve given that up now.’
‘More like it’s given me up, but even if something came my way I’d have to turn it down, because the hours would be bound to clash with Neve’s schooling.  As it is, Lola has to help out quite a bit, particularly when I’m working at night.  Neve generally stays with her then, which suits them both quite well, because Lola loves the company, and Neve can get away with all sorts of things with Lola that she never would at home.’
‘And Fred?’ he asked. 
Susannah swallowed.  ‘He died two years ago.’                     
He looked genuinely sorry.  ‘I was afraid you might say that.  He was a great old guy.  I used to enjoy my chats with him when I came calling for you.  How did Lola take his passing?’ 
‘Harder than you’d ever get her to admit.  You might remember how she was never comfortable discussing her feelings. “They’re there,” she always says, “they don’t have to be shouted about to make them any bigger.”’ 
Smiling he said, ‘I can almost hear her.  She had a way with her though, didn’t she?  She was always really good at making us kids feel a bit pleased with ourselves, I used to think I was the bees knees after I’d had a chat with her.’ 
‘I’m glad you remember her so fondly, because that’s certainly how she remembers you.  In fact, she and Neve have hardly talked about anything else these past few days.  You’re quite their hero.’
He gave a shout of laughter, but she could tell he was pleased.  ‘What are they doing tonight?’ he asked. 
‘Actually, Pats is taking them to the private screening of a movie yet to be released, because our Pats is very well connected these days.’
‘Really?’  He sat back as the waiter brought their champagne.
After setting the glasses on the table the waiter recited a list of the evening’s specials, then stood aside as a colleague offered an assortment of breads, and yet another laid down the menus and wine list. 
When finally they were alone again Alan picked up his glass and looking into her eyes he said,  ‘So what shall we drink to?’
Feeling a leap in her pulses, she put her head to one side as she gave it some thought.  ‘I know, how about making up for lost time?’ she suggested, and then immediately blushed for how forward that might sound. 
Seeming to read her thoughts he arched an eyebrow as he touched his glass to hers. ‘Sounds a great toast to me,’ he said.  ‘So, here’s to making up for lost time.’
As they drank she could feel her head spinning, as much with relief as a rising sense of elation.  This was turning out to be so easy and uncomplicated, and was even starting to feel right in a way nothing had in too long. 
‘Can I ask,’ he said, when they put their glasses down, ‘why you chose this particular restaurant for tonight?’
Remembering, she grimaced as she said, ‘Actually, it’s one of Neve’s favourites.  We always come here, or Chutney Mary’s, when we have something to celebrate, so when you offered to let me choose where we should meet, I’m afraid she insisted it had to be this place.  Do you mind?  Does that spoil it?’
‘No, not at all.  I was just wondering if you’d been here before, and if there were any particular memories attached.  Clearly there are, if you come for special occasions.’
‘None of which include Duncan,’ she told him, in case that was what he was thinking.  ‘We only found this place after he’d... gone his separate way.’
His eyes darkened slightly.  ‘It must have been a very difficult time for you when all that happened,’ he said.  ‘The shock of the arrest, then the court hearing and the sentence.’
Her eyes dropped to her glass as she picked it up and took a sip.  As far as she was concerned Duncan’s presence wasn’t welcome at the table, but Alan had sounded so empathetic and non-judgmental, that she was on the brink of admitting how she’d really felt at the time.  However, it really wasn’t a subject for this evening, and finally becoming mindful of Neve’s warning before she’d left, that she shouldn’t rattle on too much about herself, she injected some mischief into her smile as she said,
‘You’re obviously an expert at drawing people out, but I’m going to resist it for now, because I want to hear all about you.’
Appearing surprised, he said, ‘I think I told you more or less everything in my emails.’
‘Maybe, but not in any great detail.  I was sorry to hear about your parents, especially your father.  It must have been very hard to make the decision to put him in a home.’
‘Yes and no.  He’d reached a point where it was virtually impossible for my mother to take care of him any longer, so in some ways it was a bit of a relief to let him go.  He’s not far from his sister, Beatie, so she sees him every week, and I go too, but not quite as often as that.’
‘Does he know you?’
‘Not really.  He thinks I’m his brother who died about twenty years ago.’
‘Your uncle Jim.  I remember him.  We went to the funeral together.’
‘Of course.  On the motorbike and my father was furious.  He said it showed a lack of respect, roaring up to the church on two wheels wearing leathers.’
Smiling at the memory Susannah said, ‘You had a dreadful row with him later, as I recall, and you didn’t speak for ages after.  Two whole days, I think it was.’
His eyes were simmering.  ‘And you were appalled, because you’d never allow the sun to set on an argument.  It was one of the things I used to love about you, but I think I took advantage of it too, because I knew you’d always apologise first.’
‘You were shameless the way you exploited my good nature,’ she informed him tartly.  ‘It used to make me so mad the way you did that.’
 Grinning, he said, ‘I promise, if we ever fall out again, I’ll be the first to say sorry.  Now, before we start getting lost down memory lane, I think we should decide what we’re going to eat.’
Since she knew the menu quite well Susannah didn’t take long to choose a rocket salad with Parmesan shavings and lobster risotto with truffle oil, while he finally opted for the antipasti followed by a traditional Neopolitan lasagne.   Then he selected a fruity aglianico wine which neither of them had tried before.
Once the waiter had taken the orders Susannah drank more champagne, then said, ‘OK, I’m not being sidetracked any more, I want to know all about your life in Manchester, most particularly about your wife and stepchildren.’
His eyes went down as his fingers linked around the stem of his glass.  ‘To be honest,’ he said, ‘I made light of it in the email, because the truth is, it’s still a little painful.  Not the actual break up of the marriage, but having to leave the children.  I really miss them, but they’re not mine, so unfortunately I have no rights.’
‘Do you mean you wife won’t let you see them?’
He took a deep breath before answering.  ‘Helen is a wonderful woman whom I still love in many ways,’ he said, ‘but her approach to life can be very black and white.  Now we’re no longer together she thinks it’s best for the children if they focus on building a relationship with her new partner and try to forget me.’
Susannah’s eyes rounded with shock.  ‘But that’s not only shortsighted, it’s cruel,’ she protested.  ‘Children can’t just switch their emotions on and off like they were battery operated, and you took care of them for over seven years.  She can’t just pretend that didn’t happen.  How do the children feel about losing contact with you?’
‘Actually, they’re not terribly happy about it either, but their mother is their mother, so she gets to make the decisions.  Obviously, I’ve tried discussing it with her, but she’s adamant her way is the right one, which I actually wouldn’t argue with if the children supported her.  However, I certainly don’t want to be the cause of a rift between them, so it’s best that I do things her way - at least for now.’
Susannah was incredulous.  ‘I can’t believe a mother would do that to her own children,’ she said.  ‘How old are they?’
‘Robin’s almost sixteen - he’s the one who wants to be a photographer.  Julia’s fifteen now, and Kim will be fourteen next month.’
‘So the girls are virtually the same age as Neve?  What happened to their real father?  Surely she doesn’t stop them seeing him too.’
‘He died of cancer when Kim was six years old.’
‘Oh, how sad.  Do they remember him?’
‘Robin and Julia have quite a few memories, Kim less so, and Helen has done more or less the same with him as she did with me.  She never talks about him, though I think she used to, before I came on the scene, but then his photographs were all packed up and anything that used to belong to him disappeared from the house.  I only know that because Robin told me.  I never saw any of it myself.’
‘She sounds a very ...  Controlling sort of woman.’
‘Yes, I guess she is in some ways, but I keep reminding myself that it won’t be long before the children are old enough to make up their own minds about who they have in their lives.  I’m ever hopeful they’ll still want to know me then.’
Susannah’s eyes were steeped in sympathy as she sat back for the waiter to deliver their starters. 
‘Don’t worry, it’ll be all right,’ Alan told her as they started to eat.  ‘Seeing you again is what matters tonight.’
Regarding him tenderly she said, ‘Lola was clever enough to remind me before I came that you’ve probably had your share of knocks.’
His eyebrows went up in a philosophical way.  ‘Life doesn’t happen without them,’ he remarked.  ‘If it did, I for one would be out of a job.’
Smiling at the irony of that she said, ‘I suppose I always imagined someone in your position to have it all worked out, or you’d have a way of dealing with life’s challenges that allowed you to rise above the pain so you didn’t end up being all screwed up by it.  That’s a pretty naive assumption, wouldn’t you say?’
‘But a common one.  In actual fact we shrinks are some of the nuttiest people on the planet, but please don’t tell anyone, it’s not something any of us want to get out.’
Laughing and remembering how much she used to love his sense of humour she carried on eating as the wine waiter held up a bottle for him to approve, before going ahead and opening it.       
The rest of the meal seemed to pass far too quickly as they meandered down the avenues of their past lives, reminding one another of events long forgotten, and sometimes laughing so hard that Susannah could hardly catch her breath.  His expression was so dry as he watched her that it inevitably set her off all over again, until he was no longer able to keep a straight face himself. 
They were the last to leave the restaurant, and Susannah waited in the doorway while he ran round the corner to get the car.  It turned out to be a black BMW that she knew right away was going to impress the heck out of Neve.  More importantly though, Neve was going to adore him, and though she knew it was boastful to think it, she felt confident he’d adore her too. 
‘I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed seeing you again,’ he said, as they drove through the lamplit streets of Battersea.  ‘In some ways it feels as though we’ve never been apart, which I suppose is a bit of a corny thing to say, but I’m afraid it’s the best I can do.’
‘It’s a lovely thing to say,’ she assured him, ‘and it’s how I feel too. ‘
He glanced at her in his gently self-mocking way.  ’If I hadn’t been such an ass all those years ago things might have turned out very differently,’ he said, ‘but I left it too late to come back and find you.  You’d already met Duncan, and I knew I’d never be able to offer you what he could when he’d already cast you in one of his plays.’
Thinking back to that time she said, ‘The only good thing ever to come out of that marriage was Neve, and I wouldn’t be without her, so it would be wrong to regret it.  I’d like it all to be over now though.’
‘Does that mean you’re not divorced?’
‘Not yet.  Don’t ask me why.  I suppose, I couldn’t quite bring myself to dump that on him as well when he went away.  As soon as he comes out though, I intend to put it in motion.’
‘Do you have any idea when that’s likely to be?’
‘I’m afraid it might be quite soon.  He’s applied for parole, so he could be roaming free by the end of the month. 
He threw her a quick look.  ‘How do you feel about that?’
‘Frankly, sick, because I have a feeling he’s going to ask to see Neve.  I don’t think she’ll want to, but I hate the idea of her even having to make a decision.’  Suddenly realising how similar this was sounding to his own situation, she added quickly, ‘Please don’t think I’ll stand in her way if she wants to.  It’s just that he truly hasn’t been a good father...’
‘It’s OK,’ he assured her.  ‘I’m not making comparisons.  The circumstances are very different, but I have to admit I’m already feeling quite protective towards Neve, possibly because if everything had gone according to plan, twenty years ago, she could be mine.’
Feeling a swell of wine-fuelled emotion rise up in her Susannah said, ‘Frankly, she be a very lucky girl if she were.’
He smiled and put a hand over hers.  ‘Thank you for that,’ he said.  ‘It means a great deal.’  Then after glancing at her, ‘As I think I said in one of my emails, one of my big regrets is that I’ve never had a child of my own.’

Lifting her eyes from their hands, Susannah said, ‘I can’t wait for you to meet Neve.  I have a feeling you two are going to get along very well together.’

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